18-07-2020

You know the pain cuts deep when you can't even get high and eat fucking doritos without thinking about him and getting sad for a bit. but thats exactly what you wanted wasnt it?

16-07-2020

I would kill your girlfriend just to sleep with you once. And i dont even know why, i dont even like you that much. also sidenote: If you i have explicitly given you access to this website i am not going to write about you. So do not think i am talking about you. Unless youre the person that inspired me to start this website to begin. Thats the only exception. And imma just say im worried that ill never find a love like his again. So passionate and deep, and his touch and physical embraces of all kinds were all i could ever dream. He set a standard and i know thats what he wanted. I just wish the rest of him would understand that it needed to be more than that.

15-07-2020

You're the warmth of my days, the light in my dark. But because i love you, im not going to tell you. I need you to stay in my life so i wouldnt ruin it by saying something stupid like i love her. but shes beautiful, and pure, and i love being around her. I fell bad for him, because i know he wants me too and ive not done a good job at making it clear that im not sure i want him. The other night when u were in my car i just wanted to pull over and rest on your shoulder, i felt like i could find my peace there. But i know better. I need to love myself first. Its just hard when i have so much love to give. Im so touch starved even the slightest intimacy gives me chills.

Im nothing but a meer ant on the picnic blanket that is your world, im just thankful you let me share it sometimes. I layed there praying that i woke up to you accidently cuddling me. It never happened, and its okay because these thoughts are just for me. all i really want is a friend that i can cuddle hug and kiss but thats not possible. i need a partner for shit like that. But im not emotionally ready yet, that was proven yesterday by how shattered i was by seeing that one guys face. Gotta love trauma...

Afterthoughts:

The worst thing that can happen when youre in love is realizing that the person youre in love with isnt going to be healthy for you. Because being subtly controlled for 2 years can really alter your perception and just because it all becomes clear afterwords doesnt mean you love them any less. It takes a lot of will power to remove someone like that from your life, because sure youre cutting out the bad but youre also cutting out everything beautiful about life. He loved me, and now he hates me because of these lies he's choosing to belive. Im going to forever be the villian in his heart, when i never did anythinf wrong and thats hard to get over. But i am. Im moving forward beceause thats all i can do. I probably made a mistake, but i learned from it and ill be more careful with my heart from now on. In the meantime tho... its going to be a very painful journey full of longing thats never satisfied

08-07-2020

i want to kill myself. congrats youve made me feel worse than i made you i can probably guarentee it. i want to die. im sorry to you, i dont know what for though. I was so good to you, all up until the very end when i didnt even really do that much. I know its still upsetting to you but it wasnt worth it.

The real problem is knowing that in my heart, i never cared for anyone more, or still care for, than you. No one has been able to hurt me, like you. I love you bro but i cant be with you and i know it because we arent good for each other 50% of the time. i wish things were better. This has been the hardest moments in my life and im wondering if im even going to make it out alive.

06-07-2020

Everything in my life just keeps getting fucking WORSE and it wont stop. it keeps throwing things at me that im supposed to deal with and handle but im just not strong enough for it now because im overwhelmed so in order to avoid the stress of being overwhelmed by mind tells me to hurl myself at people and to seek love and comfort when all i really need to do is find myself. I am supposed to deal with so much and i just cant. But thats the thing about life isnt it, it doesnt really give a shit if you can take it or not it throws it at you anyways. The even funnier thing is that most of the time, it turns out you can take it. It just hurts very badly.

I have completely backslid to where I was 2 years ago. Alone, with no friends, crushing on my best one because i have no clue what i want, while also being incredibly depressed, unmotivated, and feeling like im a pain in the ass to everyone. why do i do this to myself. I have so many problems, there is so much wrong with me. I need help, i need to grow but i cant fucking do it alone yet somehow im supposed too? All I want is for someone in my life to make me feel comfortable and wanted again is that so much to fucking ask for? i think i deserve it at this point.

This brings me to my next point. Can we PLEASE normalize cuddling in society? like i just wanna spoon with my bestie without feeling like im asking to fuck her. on god. Plus my mother never let me cuddle with my boyfriend when i was with him because for whatever reason she saw it as such a sexual thing. all i want is to be held i cant help it. it comes from the purest place in my heart but it is such an intense desire that it physicall hurts me that i cant be held right now. I cry about it often and if it doesnt get better throughout the course of my life i swear to god im killing myself. life without affection isnt a life worth living

Afterthoughts:

I just noticed that its really obvious when im writing im feeling manic or emotional versus pensive and it makes me uncomfortable because for some reason i feel like i didnt want this to be just some boring, emotional ramblings but thats what its turning out to be.

I think its funny that i still refresh your page probably once a week to see if youve ever posted again. I would wonder if youd ever do the same for me but i know you wouldnt. Yknow its funny, i wonder if you two ever even broke up. Or if you just lied to me. Or maybe you did break up and you just weren't going to tell me you got back together in order to keep me close to give u the attention she wasnt. I cant blame you though, i was there. I kinda am there. So if for some reason you are reading this, you'll know who you are, just know that ill still be dumb enough to try and get your attention too. The most disappointing thing about myself is my hunger for positive attention. It disgusts me.

Its sad, that no matter what i say here, no matter who i talk to to try and help me, ill always be depressed and question why i even spoke out in the first place. it got me no where. I feel no better. If anything i feel worse and insecure about what i said or what my intentions were behind it. "its like a headache but the funny thing about its that the pain wont go away until my brain goes splat"

Sometime late June 2020

I was sitting here tonight contemplating and dreading all the consquences of covid and how much its taken away from me and what it will keep taking which led to just how moch of a terrifying and weaponous thing stupidity and ignorance can be. Its a wave of people that just keeps roaring and roarring and ceaslessly growing. The next thing you know youre surrounded by the wave, its everywhere, everything. The most terrifying thing is im starting to think that its the majority. Because stupidity isnt one side or the other, it doesnt pick and choose or play favorites. It's all consuming and it reaches certain parts of every faction. Feminazis, neonazis, far right and left. It's everywhere. People just screaming at each other to see who screams the loudest and the ones trying to make real change are drowned out because people dont want it. They want sensationalism and excitment. So we feed into it, and it just keeps growing until we with the best intentions are left looking up at the world thats been consumed.

But in the midst of this buring of the world around me and its tragedies, I reflected on the unspoken vow I made to myself to remain positive. To be a light, and spread radiance to those around me. To float above it all. But the higher im floating the more i choke on the smoke of these moments of unrest around me. these decisions that are left to the hands of fate that have been tied by the ignorant, are going to change my life forever. My life is going to unfortunatly get very very hard with this pandemic steadily spreading with no sign of stopping and the growing racial tensions. And as i sit back, nearly in tears mourning the loss of the life i saw myself living, i realized i should instead be thankful. Change is happening and im living it right now, growing with it, and shaping it. These were the moments i romantisized in history books. Prohibition and the rise of the mafia, the 70's and 20's, all dealing with the same things i probably am mourning now. All of them were probably mourning just like me and praying for anything different. While i was seeing the beauty of the moment because i knew the results. I need to be like that now. Have faith in the journey and do what i can to leave my mark and adapt and be thankful for this opportunity.

27-05-2020

I have a tendency to get in over my head. Ill get into situations i think that i will like and then realize that it isnt as fun as i thought and thats it actually makes me anxious, but by that time its kind of hard to go back so then i get more anxious about being trapped. Im getting better at it though. This most recent one i was able to end pretty smoothly but it still made me almost sick.

on a similar note, i have a tendency to overwork myself. I want to be successful and be above and beyond in everything i do that matters to me, so sometimes that goes to a point where im over whelmed. Im also getting better at that hopefully, im not sure.

On an unrelated note, as im getting older i find that im really dissociating from the reality of aging. It always has been this distant thing and ive found myself catching my reflection and feeling like ive seen myself for the first time. Im terrified. i know i shouldnt be, so im embrassing my liberties like i should but im worried and i am at a constant battle between everything is okay and everything i know and love is crashing at my feet.

19-05-2020

For once the timing of my mothers good fortune fell at a time i could benefit. Im in a weird place, im single, again. I like it, i do but i cant stop myself from pursuing the thrill of the chase but this time i dont think im going to win. Im perplexed by this man and my natures. My ex is clinging on so tightly and he is acting like he still owns me. I hate to tell him to fuck off because if i did no one would talk to me. But truth be told i dont want to even talk to him anymore. I never thought i would be like this. Im miserable. I like to think i have seasonal depression, but i feel like it isnt that. thats just the mask and name i give it to make it more paletable. Truth is i do it to myself. Spring cleaning im beginning to think of it. I get bored with relationships and panic and end them in time for my birthday. I dont plan this it just happens. I dont even want a relationship either. I just cant seem to get people off of my mind. i love winning them, its thrilling. Seeing something form from nothing, fueled with purity and newness. Reborn again and again in each new contestant. Hell even as im writing this i have someone else on my mind. I am hoping that they check on me as regularly as I check on them. I guess i'll never truly know, because humans are funny like that. we hide what we feel and we move with such precision and stealth. walking on eggshells terrified of a wrong move. im no saint because i too act this way but idk. Im so full of lust and love and horomones that i cant keep it in. So i chase to burn energy, and time. Because im caught between living life how i want to live it and living life comfortably. Because who i am isnt what is okay to be, and in so many ways i am at war with my internal self. i feel like jekyl and hyde, two different souls in one poor, weak body. I want to love and be loved and i also want to only love myself and cary myself high in independance. I want to think myself a good loyal loving girl but im a slutty, smart, manipulative girl who hurts more than gets hurt and walk through life with high regard but hates every living second of it when im not in the moment. im like baking soda and vinegar being held apart by a balloon that is slowly leaking and reacting everyday. I just want love. and happiness. I feel like ive tried it all yet in the end i remain unthought of and mistreated. Do i deserve this? I can only assume. is my situation even bad? not comparatively. yet somehow i still feel as worthless as i did when i was in middle school. At least then i had friends.

The only people who i feel safe being me around are my ex and fucking cat. Im a different person to everyone i meet i feel. Why does it matter if people like me. i just wish i felt valued i suppose