Entries

08-11-2024

You encouraged me to explore how I feel about the idea of being with him. I have a bit. Truth is I, don't know how to do that. Entertain the idea of dating someone, anymore. It gives me a panic attack pretty much every time, no matter who it is, no matter how safe or unsafe or conventional or not. I always make up reasons why it wouldn't work out. I don't understand how I can really trully like someone, and then the thought of kissing them, or being touched in any way, can give me fight or flight responses. I truly believe that I am too broken. I feel like no one should have to be forced to be patient enough to try to date someone who is incapable of forming a healthy connection. And boy howdy do I form unhealthy connections. I am dependant, and obsessive, and insecurly attatched. I am afraid of people leaving me, and I am afraid of being alone, to the point I over extend myself to soak up as much time with the people I care about as possible. Its exhausting and depressing to think about. I can't believe you didn't notice me shutting down in the floor yesterday. I was facing the fact of going seperate ways and not getting to keep being in your presence and it was making me depressed that I was that upset about it. I, get very very clingy when I love someone. Platonic or otherwise. I also cannot handle being loved, its so strange. Clearly. I mean it gave me a literal panic attack that you would come all the way down just because I was having a bad day. It actually made the day a lot worse unfortunately. Everyone I loved ended up hurt, pretty deeply. Thats my fault. I acknowledge that but i do not know how to repair it. I also do not know how to prevent it from happening again because even when faced with a panic attack about you having a crush on me, I still think I do. I dont know. its starting to feel less extreme which is good. But every now and then it is a painful reminder that there is a big boundary you wont cross. It's keeping me safe right now, but I do deeply wonder what it would have been like under other circumstances. I have to wait 2 1/2 years now? fucking bummer. Before you'll even entertain being in a closed space? I mean I get it. I do think that it gives away your intentions a little though. You know its more than friendly otherwise you wouldn't be as worried. I could be wrong, though. But I doubt it. I wish, so fucking deeply that I wasn't so broken. I will never forgive the men who did this to me. I will never forgive myself for letting it happen. I think thats part of the problem. I truly believe you would do a good job. and understand. you feel, like you could be safe. In reality though no one feels safe. Except for women, but thats because they havent had the opportunity to hurt me yet. I acknowledge that. I hate it but, i get it. I am not a lesbian. But I am probably, definately Ace as a result of serious truama. Or at the very very least demi-sexual. I just cant stop falling romantically in love with male types. Or at least platonically in love. idk. its all wishy-washy. It took a good 2 years to be comfortable with my best friend passively making physical contact with me. And comfortable is a stretch. I was unable to stop thinking about it. Like a computer printing to the log every time a button is pressed, and then the button being held. just "I am being touched touched tou touch touchedi am iam being t touchediam beingtouch" over and over the whole fucking time. With a couple "its okay, this is good, this is okay, i am safe" interspersed in there. Idk. Anyways. I guess I will just keep barfing to tumblr, and then hearing you in every song and retroactively apply you to every poem until its over. Or until something gives. or until 2 1/2 years go by and you feel comfortable acknowledging how you feel about me. Your therapist will say youre not allowed to like me. so. thatll buy us time I suppose. Ill keep drinking and smoking and avoiding how I feel, or putting myself in different states to cope with it differently. Cheers.

04-11-2024

Well. He kinda found out. I dont... like that. I dont want him to know I have a crush because its so much more complicated than that. Everything is so complicated. Just because I have a crush, does not mean I want to date, or even think that would be a good idea. Its the same old story over and fucking over again for me. I have so much love for people, but never the right kind. What is the right kind of love? I guess I will never know and instead just keep misplacing it. It will level out eventually just like it did for him. I just need it to not hurt, and I need to control myself. I need to stop,,, presenting crush traits. It's just a little hard sometimes. I need to keep the long-term in mind and quit getting swept up in infatuation. I just can't get along with my peers, I genuinely despise most of them. Even the ones I end up liking, turns out their still older and not technically my peers. Its okay though. I just want to cut and run. Youre right. We did get very close very quick, I have that affect on people. I will run away just as fast. You don't seem to let me do that though. He didn't either and it worked out fine (until he left). Hes actually here today though, which was relieving but also just as painful. I am literally addicted to the guy. I can't get enough. Hes my best friend what else am I supposed to do. I could never replace him, and I have tried. I just keep getting dropped, or in too deep with people I shouldn't. My intuition is rarely wrong. Idk what my intuition tells me now. I just hope you aren't entertaining the idea of what a relationship could look like. This is supposed to be one sided, thats what makes it okay. Its... its so painfully familiar yet I am no better at dealing with it. There are so many other compounding factors hurting me too. Big, life altering ones that just suck. Just, don't start thinking its a good idea. Even if we are both ace, which makes my usual excuse a little bit less of an excuse. I can't handle that and its wrong. Let me ride my crushy wave until I crash under it and can pretend it was never a thing. It just sucks a little that I still want to not be alive so bad. I dont even remotely know how to handle this in a therapy session. This feels too private for that. I don't feel like I can tell another living soul the extent of it. No one would understand. Thats why I am here talking to you all. You don't have to get it. You don't have to listen. But it gets it off my chest and makes me feel better that someone could read it and could respond if you felt so compelled to. Anyways. I'm not in a private space so I have to sign off. Until next time ('-')7

29-10-2024

Jesus has it really been two years?

Well, hello again. Its been some time, and I reflect back and see that I am still in the same positions just in different flavors. It is comforting, and validating, in a way though. To see that, despite how new and fresh the hurt feels, that it is something I have lived through before. Lived through to the point of balancing it out, even. Which is why it hurts so much when it happens again, because I had finally spent time not hurting. I never realize I feel better until it hurts again.

Yknow I have cried my tears. I mourned this relationship the day you left. I knew this was going to be the result and I think that's why it hurts so bad. I miss you more than I can put into words and it mostly comes out as anger. I just have to get used to the fact I am not a priority anymore. Im more of a thing to be kept up with and maintained. You never call me. You never start a genuine conversation. I have said, for years now apparently, that no matter what I love you and I will keep doing what it takes to keep you in my life, and set aside the frustrations. Youre making it hard for me. Youve been so afraid I would replace you, but did nothing to ensure you were not leaving a need that would have to be replaced. Youre basically gone. Youre emotionally distant, and physically you never show up. Ive gone down to see you, and only you, more times than I can count. Youve never once done the same. You were supposed to help me. You were supposed to be here.

I cant, cope, with the thought of losing you. Its been pushing me to my breaking point actually. I've had to go through the same anxious heartwrenching platonic love cycle again. But hes not you. He might be as equally hard to have a close relationship given he has the same fucking job as you, but hes not you. My mind is trying to make me love him, and im going through these cycles again. Jealousy, obsession, manipulation, the whole nine yards. I was shaking, sick, anxious, heartrate close to levels I needed to go to a doctor about, all because I was trying to let someone else in. I shouldn't have had to. it should be you. But youre not here anymore. I have to let go. But that means I have to start over. Right now, I am not strong enough for that.

I hit a pretty relatively new low. at least a pretty sustained one, because of all of this. Having to establish someone as a new close friend because my last one dipped out hurt a fuckin lot. I dont want to have to. Its never going to be the same. You were so important to my life. I never, ever thought I would have to live in one with you at a distance. I dont know why I thought that. everyone seems to fade away at some point.

I was going to talk about how I am obsessed with this guy, and its all taboo because hes technically my superior and all this and all that but. Ive been here before. None of that is why I am hurting. I am trying not to fall in love with him, that true. And that is very tricky to do. But he has a clear divide up between us, age wise, and that makes me sad. He is the same age as you, yknow. The same. If anything I think youre a little older. I don't know how I am going to do this. I just will keep taking it day by day, keeping up with what I can but. My effort is diminishing. I am putting my energy into someone who is more there for me, and I am sorry, but it was preventable. We used to talk about everything. Every day. Now I dont even know the last time you were around, or when youre coming down next. Sometimes I forget to even text you. You dont make any effort to fix it, despite claiming you do. You just shut down, and get further away.

I am so tired of starting over.

14-07-2022

So I'm in Maryland. Well, I'm also in California, Where in Maryland? A retreat in Cambridge. What for? My job in Oakland. Where am I staying for it? Palo alto. so... not so shockingly im all over the place right now. Its going well, I'm stressed but also so content and happy and thankful. Mostly amazing in hindsight. Also, I think I am actually gay. Like for real this time. Probably. It feels more right, less gross, idk. I fell in love quick out here and was heartbroken even sooner. Shes amazing tho, truly. An inspiringly good person. Her girlfriend is lucky to have her, and they look happy. But i put myself, in their pictures, instead of her, so I know that I want that. Thats real. Tangable. Comforting. Im so afraid I wont find what Im looking for where I am once I'm back. I'm scared I'll never find it. I'll always overcomplicate it and stress myself out. I hope it gets better. but at least I think I know im queer. I like that label best tbh. Im definately not straight. Someone I matched with on tinder teased and onlyfans on her snap chat. Shes, stunning. like actually. i stared at it, too long. I closed it, and then went back to it later. its crazy how much clarity a little change in perspective provides on life. You never really know just how deep it could help like, being queer feels so normal out here. It seems like everyone is. It kinda solidfied my recent thoughts on the fact that being straight is just limiting yourself, for what reason? Religion is not a valid arguement. But, I also think the idea of a dick literally disgusts me beyond compare. So, who knows really. To each their own I suppose. Two people have grabbed my hand just in the heat of conversation for no reason really, like a comforting thing because I said something to make them laugh kinda thing. And I just can't respond to that normally. I hyperfixate on the fact that someone is holding my hand. Straight people can hold hands with the same sex and feel nothing, because there is no attraction there so its no biggie. But I cant, im like *O~O* oop- ha-hands touch..pret? gihh ahahaact normal! (to put it in Rawr XD Speak). im enjoing myself. I wish my friend was here tho. He is sad im not back home, and is going through a lot it seems and hes been really distant. Hes worried I wont be friends with him anymore and the proceeds to nearly kill the thing himself. Ill never give him up tho. I have a lot of love for him. Hes got a boyfriend, and I dont love him like that, but there isnt anything I wouldnt do nor put up with for him. Hes the only person I have ever truly felt the best around. I wish he would belive me when I tell him that. I wish he wouldnt leave me on read for 11 hours all day. It doesnt make him a bad person or a bad friend, but it makes it hard to put effort into making sure he knows im there and care for him, when he just ignores it. ill always put so much in, because i know hes just going thru some stuff, and tbh i really need him . Honestly. Ive never really felt a connection to someone like this. Purly plationic but true love. Im really living my life right now, and having an amazing but difficult time, and I just want to share and talk about it with him. Thats all I want to do is be able to tell you all the cool things im doing and have you be excited but all it does is make you sad. I get it, i do. and its valid. you cant help it i understand. but it doesnt change the fact that everytime I tell you something about what Im doing i feel really guilty, and you usually ignore it. i just need to adjust my expectations. but i wish you could also see my side of things a little clearer.

I just want to find my marceline. that is all

14-04-2022

I have come to realize that I cannot be alone. for very long. in my dorm. When im walking outside to classes and driving around its nice, music is nice, but if I am not going somewhere, doing something, i get really fucking depressed. All of the weight of everything I deal with is just sitting there with me, on my chest. I desperatly try to fill my time by doing work, hanging out with people, drinking, smoking, anything but just sitting here by myself. Today, I have done all the calculus I can muster. He is in a dnd game, they are off with their friends. Im forced to just, wait. so naturally, my chest starts tensing up. I think its from stress, because Im bad at math and keep getting bad grades but my motivation to do better is very low because everytime i try i just feel stupid. *---This person i like makes me really sad because i have no idea what i am to them. They kiss me and touch me but they go off with their friends and stand really close, and do a lot of the same surface level things they do with me with them and it kinda hurts to think about. therefore my mind is probably self-sabatoging a little bit. Im feeling like it wouldn't work anyways, they are too similar to me as far as awkward levels go and it just kinda sucks. they are leaving anyways, and so am i so. it wouldnt have lasted even if it did go somewhere. I hope thats not them coming down the hallway. they stopped by for a kiss a second ago, but it was cold. and they were with their friends. i just want what i have with him in someone who wants that in me.---* i try to cry but never feel valid enough and i wonder if thats from my mother or if i just blame every little thing on her. All i know is how often she would yell at me to stop crying and i was expected to just turn it off. so i learned how to. now, its hard to cry when im actually sad. but im always sad in these moments, and even now, and im talking to you, its just to escape the silence of the room and the volume of the voices in my head. At least if i am typing out everything it will get out of there for a little while. And i wont be bothering my friends with it. just the no one that reads this. and even then, you arent expected to respond. my friends feel obligated too, and i expect them too. this is just a void. i have picked up drinking and now i think im dependant. even though i dont really do it all the time, lately when i have been sad i just wanna get drunk on discord with him. im not sure whats wrong with me but right now i think its kinda worse on average than some of the bigger episodes i used to have. ive never wanted to stay this busy, ive never had a problem sitting with myself. lately its been really hard, and i cry pretty much every time. Ill get to the bottom of it eventually, i just think i need therapy again. Maybe one day this pain will go away for real instead of reforming and shaping into new monsters to learn how to battle. maybe one day, just maybe, i will win.

Afterthoughts:

*---I am learning how to differentiate between my intrusive anxious thoughts, and reality. I am able to see some, but others take some more time to dig deeper and realize how im thinking is an anxiety response. All of this, was a product of my anxiety. Because as soon as they came by, and everything was proved fine, everything was fine. I, made an attempt at communicating.It was hard given the smoke and anxiety but I did more than I ever used to before, and sure I'm worried that they hate my guts but at least I did something. Honestly, I told them they couldn't stay over and stuck to it because that was my gut reaction and I knew anything I would have said after that would have just been me trying to please. It sucks, but I hope that they understand. I think that they do. But like i said, I am learning how to differentiate between my intrusive and anxious thoughts, and reality.---*

01-04-2022

okay, so, admitedly i would like to delete the last several posts i have made because it goes against the narrative and voice i was subconsiously trying to get across with this project. I wanted more introspection and free-space to write deeply and indepth about how i feel without the need to find a person to have those conversations with. a void to yell all my thoughts into as i try to unweave the web that is my constant stream of thoughts. I never get time to process them, this was supposed to be a place to do that. That last posts were just toxic, surface level emotion. But it is also against my nature to delete it, as i also want this to be a type of archive of my journey. I always come back here when I am at my worst. I would like to change that. but i digress...

I find myself in a new life than i was 5 months ago even, and i am not going to recap or give context. You dont need it. You are just hear to learn about my life as it comes and as i tell you. thank you for being here, by the way, i noticed i am still getting unique and active hits on this website which is cool to think people like to peer into my void. and that i will never know who they are, and they may never know me beyond these ponderings. This is going to be a long post because there is a lot on my mind. I would dare say more than has ever been on my mind.

I'll start off with my thoughts on my best friend, and by proxy, my journey into finding a new definition of love. I have been struggling with my feelings for him for a while. and they flow up and down between something i can understand and something more than that. regardless, i would say I love him. with all my heart. Now. I don't mean this in a sense that traditional love would be defined as. I dont want to date him, or marry him, or really be anything more to him than what I am but... I am very dependant on him. I very much like him, and want him to be happy, to a depth same depth i would in a romantic relationship. I talk to him every night on discord just about, we drink together, we tell each other everything. Sometimes, and this is where it feels weird, I feel I go to far for what would socially be acceptable in a friendship. He is a queer male, and is currently and has only ever previously pursued male relationships, so I doubt i would need to worry about him thinking i have a crush on him but its a major anxiety of mine. we go out a lot and he buys me things. I also have an alarm in my phone that goes off every night at 10 pm that tells me to remind him to take his medicine. I think I care too much. I get emotionally attatched to him, and him leaving me on open hurts a lot. him being cold and distant because he is sad hurts me a lot. him hanging out with other people makes me jealous which is another trait in myself i havent figured out how to cope with very well yet. I can identify it as a toxic response but i can't make the feelings stop yet. So sometimes i worry, that he will think i have a crush on him. and that he will no longer want to hang out with me. I also invalidate the fact that i am his friend too, I for some reason, expect him to seperate me from the rest of his social life like I am a work friend but dispite proving and repeating over and over again that I am more than that, i cannot validate it to myself. All of this to say, I really love him and how supportive of me he is, how much time we spend together, and i appreciate him more than words or a label of friendship could describe. this relationship with him has been the source of a lot of my anxiety lately, but has also been the best thing to happen to me in a while so, i think the discomfort is just stemming from growing. learning that people can actually like me and not take advantage of me or have some negative opinion of me tucked away somewhere. I think all of my relationships in the past have been tainted and i have just not really noticed. Im still learning about love, and learned that i havent really probably had it before.

This brings me to my next topic which is my latest obsession and journey in romantic relationships. In the past i have struggled immensely, and still do, with the concept that I am only ever getting into a relationship to feel something, to seek attention and validation, and all of this stuff but I think i have finally found a real answer to why i have never been single for longer than like... brith till kindergarten. I think, relationships have always come fairly easy to me. i am attractive physically to a large number of cis men and in elementary, middle, and high school, that served me well. People would flirt i would blush and say yes i want you in my life and continue on my way but it was never love. It was always, for me i think in hindsight, just and excuse to have a friend that had more of an obligation to me than a normal friend would. Someone who would text me everyday and call me and provide me a sense of belonging that i wasn't reciving in my friend groups (because i never had any really). So relationships came easy, and served as a role to keep me occupied and to derive value from. This lead me to being used... a l o t. this also lead to a lot of straight relationships i probably didnt really want to actually have. A very large number of times after i have broken up with a male i have sworn i was going to date a woman. that never happened because that took more work than i had needed to put in in the past. women didnt crush on me. they still dont. i am not very well practiced in that area now because of it. I am currently seeking out a non-male relationship. For a while I really wanted this to be because I was a lesbian. I reeallyy was hoping that magically getting eaten out or kissed was going to shock the straight right out of me and i would never be attracted to males again. this isnt true. i have come back around to the admission that I am pansexual now. I used to be bi but lately I have found i am also attracted to non-binary folk. actually quite a bit. and kinda always have been. so pan, i think if i had to pick a label, would be mine, if not queer. IDK regardless, i am seeking company of anyone but a cis man. I have recently had to broaden my definition of my sexuality because of my more recent exposure to nonbinary people. I had never really gotten to know that community very well and find myself to be very embarissignly ignorant and saying stupid little things. I have a crush okay? if they are reading oh fucking well ive been tryna find a way to bring it up anyways. But yea, they go by they and they are stunning to me. i am fully acepting of their identity and want to help them like, know that and feel valid. that is if they dont feel valid, actually they may be perfectly fine but uhm, i really just want them to like me. but i keep saying stupid things that i feel like accidentally invalidate them but i dont mean to. I accidentally slip up on pronouns and get so mad at myself but i swear i am trying. I think i really like them. its been so long and im so scared because ive only known such one-sided relationships and ive only known how to love a cisman that i really, really want to learn more but i am so ignorant i am afraid its going to be a turn off. I also usually get so okay with the thoughts of sexual encounters but lately its been so scary. I also dont think i have ever blushed more about a person in my entire life. every touch, is like, 1000 years of pain being soothed. forgive me if i didnt respond properly when you placed your hand on my arm, its just that i am a little hyperfixated on the fact that you are real and that you are showing me that i am real by bridging the 4th wall with contact. I want to lay down with them, i want to be a cute little stupid teen tv show pair of lovers who listen to music lazily in bed while playing with each others hair. Its been so long since ive felt these things, its hard to tell if they are real or if i am forcing them just because i miss what i thought i had but never really did. I find myself overthinking every encounter we have, and everything they say and do with other people. More-so than i ever have with anyone before. this time feels different. i want them to be different. i really think this is someone i actually like and could potentially actually be good for me. I wish we could kiss. i wonder what that would do. i wish they would tell me how they feel so i know if i am on the same page or if im making something out of nothing. which is a possibility.
It took knowing them to realize, i was never ramona flowers, i was always scott pilgrim. And i wasnt marceline, i was always pb. I confused who i identified as with who i loved, because it never really knew what love was. I think im getting a better grasp on it now.

I have also, mental health wise, been in a weird place. I feel the same as i did before sometimes-- expiring at like 9 or 10 when im alone with my thoughts and gettin devoured by the depression and anxiety. but in the same breath i am so happy and free. but i am also so... soo constantly overwhelmed by all i have to do and think about that sometimes the thoughts of suicide get hard to tuck away and come out and more and more inopportune times. this feeling in my heart wont go away, and sometimes the only way i think it will is if i fall forward onto a spike and drive it straight through. I cut myself after a really great day the other day. really bad actually. i had self-harmed before, little tiny cuts on the top of my wrist, and once or twice with a pencil on my thigh but... this time was different. it was an impulse that i just couldn't get to go away no matter how much i screamed at myself and paced my room, it was going to happen. it wasnt that i wanted to die or hurt myself but i wanted to watch myself bleed and feel what it would feel like to slice there. i could feel it pressing against my thighs like an ocd tick where you have to touch something a certain way and it just wont be satisifed unless you do. and when i finally caved it wasn't just one little one like it had been in the past. it was 6 or 7 very long, and kinda obvious ones. this was a serious, picturesque episode of selfharm that i couldnt stop and that scared me. the other night it happened again only this time manifesting itself in a way im more used to-- blunt force damage to my foreharms/biceps and head. I wanted to punch myself so hard i left bruises. it was insane because every ounce of thought i had was consumed by that feeling. thankfully i was on the phone with the aforementioned best friend and he was able to semisuccesfully distract me. But all i did was disociate and felt very bad that i didnt get to hit myself. felt very unsatisfied. like i was just about to cum and then... stopped. i want to die on a lot more of a daily basis again. everytime i think of an obligation i have or forget a little thing i said i would do, i just get pushed to my breaking point. I want a hug. i want someone to hold me and tell me itll be okay when im crying. or when i need to cry and cant. i am ashamed to admit that i need someone but i really really do. i hope they like me the same way, i think it would help a lot to have them to talk to. my friend is great but he isnt the absolute best at fixing me, and thats not his job, and it wouldnt be their job either but... maybe with a little more love in my life i could feel like i can get through it all better. someone to drink with and lay on haha. someone to buy me flowers when im sad. and drink milk and eat cookies and watch movies. wake up to someone for once. a kiss good morning. lazy i love yous as sunrises through the windows. I could do that with anyone im sure but... idk something feels cool about them. god i hope they dont read this and hate me, or want to hangout less because they dont want to feel weird. its always such a risk admitting feelings. its also maybe still too early but, id like to at least know maybe. maybe not. ignorance is bliss? i forget that when i tell people about this website that it makes me want to write again and that also means that i probably shouldnt talk about the person i just told about the website. but uh here we are.

04-10-2021

Well its been over a year and i still think about you more often than i care to admit. i still want you, crave you, like a child craves cookies on the top shelf. its out of reach, forbidden, bad for me, but it only makes me want you all the more. Its been over a year and youre still who i hear in my music. i still pray for any day i can find scraps of your music. I found my old flashdrive with random shit from your computer and i got to hear your voice again. im still checking your socials, and am sad i dont have them all anymore because youre too unstable to keep anything. I get disgusted with myself because you were nothing but bad for me. Toxic, manuipulative, unstable, dangerous. It should be a sign to run, stop, this is a bad sign but all it does it make me want to chase it more. God i cared for you so much i cant just cut that out, i tried. Ive tried for years. yet... I still try to find you. Ive been listening to that style of music again, and its making me feel. Im scared to revist my old playlist. It felt too much. Lately i havent been feeling deep enough i think.

Things have been good since i left him, i knew i shouldnt have dated him, i knew it back in entry 15-07, yet i was too fucking weak to tell him no, because my butterflies escaped my mouth in excitement at the thought of being loved again. Afterall i had wished before that my next would be the one to ask me out, and he did so... that was a sign right? At least thats what i thought but its clear now it was a waste of time. I was never really happy, i just wasnt miserable. very null. thats how i am now, nothings bad only sometimes i feel free. Finally free. Free to chase and be chased, free to be and be in control of my time. MY time. Finally. But thats really it. Ive tried other obsessions but it just proves frustrating. sure if this were Xanadu he would be my Olivia Newton John but, he skates better than her, and looks arent everything. He seems to like a certain type which isnt me anyways so i mean, its just a lusty crush. Every other guy that hits on me just makes me sick. The thought of giving them any part of my life just makes me want to just ghost. I get crushes, then i get real with myself. I just like to feel things. I am happy by myself trust me on that but, somehow... the feelings you left still stick around. and one things for sure is boy did you make me feel something. everything actually. I miss you. Just what he always feared and you always wanted. How dare you be so right. You are my standard. fuck.

no. i just like to feel things. none of its real. just, chasing adrenaline. some do it through base jumping, heroin, fighting. I just chase things that make me feel.

06-07-2020

Everything in my life just keeps getting fucking WORSE and it wont stop. it keeps throwing things at me that im supposed to deal with and handle but im just not strong enough for it now because im overwhelmed so in order to avoid the stress of being overwhelmed by mind tells me to hurl myself at people and to seek love and comfort when all i really need to do is find myself. I am supposed to deal with so much and i just cant. But thats the thing about life isnt it, it doesnt really give a shit if you can take it or not it throws it at you anyways. The even funnier thing is that most of the time, it turns out you can take it. It just hurts very badly.

I have completely backslid to where I was 2 years ago. Alone, with no friends, crushing on my best one because i have no clue what i want, while also being incredibly depressed, unmotivated, and feeling like im a pain in the ass to everyone. why do i do this to myself. I have so many problems, there is so much wrong with me. I need help, i need to grow but i cant fucking do it alone yet somehow im supposed too? All I want is for someone in my life to make me feel comfortable and wanted again is that so much to fucking ask for? i think i deserve it at this point.

This brings me to my next point. Can we PLEASE normalize cuddling in society? like i just wanna spoon with my bestie without feeling like im asking to fuck her. on god. Plus my mother never let me cuddle with my boyfriend when i was with him because for whatever reason she saw it as such a sexual thing. all i want is to be held i cant help it. it comes from the purest place in my heart but it is such an intense desire that it physicall hurts me that i cant be held right now. I cry about it often and if it doesnt get better throughout the course of my life i swear to god im killing myself. life without affection isnt a life worth living

Afterthoughts:

I just noticed that its really obvious when im writing im feeling manic or emotional versus pensive and it makes me uncomfortable because for some reason i feel like i didnt want this to be just some boring, emotional ramblings but thats what its turning out to be.

I think its funny that i still refresh your page probably once a week to see if youve ever posted again. I would wonder if youd ever do the same for me but i know you wouldnt. Yknow its funny, i wonder if you two ever even broke up. Or if you just lied to me. Or maybe you did break up and you just weren't going to tell me you got back together in order to keep me close to give u the attention she wasnt. I cant blame you though, i was there. I kinda am there. So if for some reason you are reading this, you'll know who you are, just know that ill still be dumb enough to try and get your attention too. The most disappointing thing about myself is my hunger for positive attention. It disgusts me.

Its sad, that no matter what i say here, no matter who i talk to to try and help me, ill always be depressed and question why i even spoke out in the first place. it got me no where. I feel no better. If anything i feel worse and insecure about what i said or what my intentions were behind it. "its like a headache but the funny thing about its that the pain wont go away until my brain goes splat"

19-05-2020

For once the timing of my mothers good fortune fell at a time i could benefit. Im in a weird place, im single, again. I like it, i do but i cant stop myself from pursuing the thrill of the chase but this time i dont think im going to win. Im perplexed by this man and my natures. My ex is clinging on so tightly and he is acting like he still owns me. I hate to tell him to fuck off because if i did no one would talk to me. But truth be told i dont want to even talk to him anymore. I never thought i would be like this. Im miserable. I like to think i have seasonal depression, but i feel like it isnt that. thats just the mask and name i give it to make it more paletable. Truth is i do it to myself. Spring cleaning im beginning to think of it. I get bored with relationships and panic and end them in time for my birthday. I dont plan this it just happens. I dont even want a relationship either. I just cant seem to get people off of my mind. i love winning them, its thrilling. Seeing something form from nothing, fueled with purity and newness. Reborn again and again in each new contestant. Hell even as im writing this i have someone else on my mind. I am hoping that they check on me as regularly as I check on them. I guess i'll never truly know, because humans are funny like that. we hide what we feel and we move with such precision and stealth. walking on eggshells terrified of a wrong move. im no saint because i too act this way but idk. Im so full of lust and love and horomones that i cant keep it in. So i chase to burn energy, and time. Because im caught between living life how i want to live it and living life comfortably. Because who i am isnt what is okay to be, and in so many ways i am at war with my internal self. i feel like jekyl and hyde, two different souls in one poor, weak body. I want to love and be loved and i also want to only love myself and cary myself high in independance. I want to think myself a good loyal loving girl but im a slutty, smart, manipulative girl who hurts more than gets hurt and walk through life with high regard but hates every living second of it when im not in the moment. im like baking soda and vinegar being held apart by a balloon that is slowly leaking and reacting everyday. I just want love. and happiness. I feel like ive tried it all yet in the end i remain unthought of and mistreated. Do i deserve this? I can only assume. is my situation even bad? not comparatively. yet somehow i still feel as worthless as i did when i was in middle school. At least then i had friends.

The only people who i feel safe being me around are my ex and fucking cat. Im a different person to everyone i meet i feel. Why does it matter if people like me. i just wish i felt valued i suppose